


Kiss Me, 아파도 돼

by real_phy



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:31:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8465431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/real_phy/pseuds/real_phy
Summary: "Kiss me, even if it would hurt."  Pale pink roses symbolizes platonic love. The meaning was too gentle. That Jihoon can't help but feel guilty for blaming this gentle flower as the cause of something so dark and heartbreaking.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Did i just used a BTS lyric for my title?  
> Yes, I did. The song of BTS' Blood Sweat and Tears is what inspired me to do this. This work will be split into 4 parts, Blood, Sweat, Tears and Petals.  
> WARNING: Unbeta-ed ono

**Petals ( 1 / 4 )  
_Word count: 821_**

 

* * *

With trembling fingers, Jihoon continued on what he's currently doing. His delicate fingers continuously tapping furiously onto the keyboard of his desktop. Casually typing the lyrics for their newest song. He made sure to keep everything organized, precise and on point.

Fatigue was overtaking him. Because firstly, he slept at 11 PM last night and here he is, wide awake at 2 AM because he always loved waking up early to do what he's supposed to do, _composing_. He lets out a sigh of exhaustion, before deciding that he needs a break, even just for 5 minutes. He takes time to examine all their members, constantly looking at the Tumblr tags dedicated for each member.  
  
He found out many things from them. 

That only lasted until he found his best friend's tag. He wasn't even sure if he really needed to take a look at it, because he thinks he already know everything that evolves with Soonyoung.

That was only a thought. An _assumption_. He didn't even had a chance to see it coming.

There he sees the candid photos of Soonyoung that he himself would even be shocked as to how _breathtakingly beautiful_ he really is. He saw how the elder's eyes crinkle into beautiful crescents when he smiles. His pinkish soft thin lips that forms a pout unconsciously. His habit of running his thumb over his delicate lips. 

He saw everything that he didn't even had the chance to stop himself  because there was a heavy lump in his throat. His throat feels dry and rather itchy. Out of reflexes, Jihoon was still able to close the said browser tab before his stomach shouts at him to discard what remains on his stomach.

With _trembling fingers_ , Jihoon covered his mouth tightly with his smalls hands as he slipped past the bathroom of the building, running until he finally felt the knob of the door and quickly turned the knob, slipping as quickly as he could manage inside. He stood in front of the sink, his hand still covering his mouth as he felt like he was about to gag and then he removed it from his mouth and closed his eyes shut as he coughed roughly onto the sink. Violent coughs followed and Jihoon can't even control himself as he clutches tightly onto the edge of the sink, one hand clutched onto the hem of his shirt where his chest tightens up. It was painful, it felt like there was some nails scratching his delicate throat. 

He was practically being loud since it was still midnight. He whimpers upon feeling his coughs soften, heaving until he finally calmed himself from what just happened.He gently fluttered his eyes, yet he expected his dinner last night to be found in the sink but what greeted him was a beautiful mess. A mess of beautiful pale pink petals, practically floating onto the peaceful surface of the water.   
In confusion, his brows were knitted together, and he gently approaches the said mess, cupping one of the petals and blinking rapidly, unable to utter anything. _"What on earth is this?"_  
  
He assumed it maybe was just petals left by someone, or probably just a design to make the bathroom a bit more elegant.   
But he noticed. He fucking noticed that there weren't any petals when he arrived here, there weren't any pale pink petals that were now glaring at him.   
  
As if someone had answered his question by miracle, Jihoon felt another itch in his throat and coughed once, it sounded so violent that Jihoon grimaced just by hearing it. He felt it. He fucking felt a _velvety something_ in his lips. He looked at the mirror to see a beautiful pale pink petal, resting in between his lifeless lips. He can't help but look at it very intently. The way the curves of the petal were created, it reminded him of something...  
  
or rather _someone_..   
  
It reminded him of Kwon Soonyoung. His lips that were soft and pink, that it looks naturally glossed up. The curves of his cupid's bow that looks very similar to what's resting onto Jihoon's lips right now. That's when he fucking knew it.  
  
_"Shit, I've got a Hanahaki Disease."_  
  
  
  
  
\- ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~   
  
  
The Hanahaki Disease is an illness born from one-sided love, where the patient throws up and coughs of flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The infection can be removed through surgery, but the feelings disappear along with the petals.   
  
But it can't be. Jihoon wasn't in love. He knows how it feels and he should feel wonderful.   
But why is it that he feels pain? He feels an upcoming wave of petal breakdown and he swallowed unimpressedly before gathering the petals and flushing down the evidences of the crime in the bowl.   
  
_No one should ever know._  


**Sweat ( 2 / 4 )**

_Word count: 965_  

 

* * *

  
It was 3 days ago when the incident happened. Jihoon found it really odd that it didn't happened again. There wasn't any crazy encounter with the said petals. Afterall, he knew by heart that he wasn't in love. Him being the group's composer has already taken away the section called 'love' from his heart.  So he assumed that it won't happen again, right?   
  
  
_.....right?_  
  
  
SEVENTEEN was currently on their hell week. Jihoon mostly had the pressure on him. Being scolded for he was supposed to finish their newest song yesterday. Fortunately, he did it on time. As usual, SEVENTEEN was on their practice room. Soonyoung would mostly boss around when it comes to dancing. Of course, since it's his role to do that.   
  
As the few beats of the song rolled on, everyone was on their roles. Practically doing all of their best for the team. Jihoon was also trying, but he felt different. He felt weak. They weren't even near to ending the song when Jihoon was already covered in sweat. Soonyoung's eyes were trained to Jihoon. The members felt an awkward tension surrounding them. That's when Soonyoung paused the said song. His fingers slightly massaging his temples and Jihoon was slightly hurt, offended.   
  
_"What's wrong, Jihoon?"_ Soonyoung said, his voice dropping an octave lower making him more intimidating. His fingers were still massaging his temples that Jihoon found himself unable to talk back to the elder.  _"Nothing..."_  It took him a good minute to utter that small word. Jihoon's voice were seemingly looking smaller than his normal one. Few members eyes' widen when they saw how harsh Soonyoung sounded to Jihoon.   
  
_"Soonyoung. Calm down. It was just once."_ Seungcheol said, defending the smaller of them. Jihoon was now fidgeting in his place, head hanging low, embarrassment flooding through him.  _"Seungcheol's right, Soon. Don't pressure him too much. He just finished the song yesterday."_ Jeonghan adlib. By now, the room was filled with thick tension of what seems like an argument. Jihoon wants to say 'No, I'm okay.'   
  
Soonyoung calmed himself and his eyebrows that were knitted were softening, looking at Jihoon. He walked closer to the smaller and pats his head. Jihoon flinched a bit at the touch. Never did he ever flinched at the elder's touch, but here he is now. Flinching. It was like a painful hot metal that were attracted to his skin that Jihoon immediately sported a blush on his cheek.  _"Sorry Jihoonie. Let's try again, okay?"_  Soonyoung said, a weak smile tracing his face. Jihoon lifted his head up and eventually nodded. 

They ended the day with Jihoon being left with Soonyoung again for even how many times they already practiced the dance routin. Jihoon would still end up stumbling or making a lot of mistakes.

 

By now, Jihoon was already breathing heavily. His pale complexion covered in a thin sheet of sweat all over his body. _"Hyung can we stop for a while? I'm a bit breathless."_ Jihoon requested, his small hands on his knees as he was slouched onto the middle of the room. Lips slightly parted.  _"We'll take five and do it again."_ Soonyoung noted and Jihoon was too tired to talk back that he ended up nodding rapidly. 

The sound of the door being opened made both of them look at the source of the noise, and there stood Seokmin.  _"Hyung. Seungcheol hyung told me to give this to you and Jihoon hyung."_ Seokmin said, holding two bottles of water. Upon seeing Seokmin, Soonyoung's lips immediately pulled up on the sides and he did his usual smile.  _"that's nice of you, dokyeom. Thank you. Tell him that too."_ Soonyoung walked towards the younger, giving him a small ruffle of his hair upon retrieving the bottle of water. Jihoon just stood there, looking at the two. 

 

He saw how Seokmin smiled back with his usually adorable smile. He also saw how Soonyoung's eyes twinkle when they practically laughed over something that Jihoon doesn't know. For the first time in three days, Jihoon felt a heavy lump in his throat. He was still in denial and he continued watching the two before Seokmin waved at him and Jihoon waved back a bit. 

As soon as Seokmin left. Soonyoung's cold eyes were back again.  _"Jihoonie, catch."_ He told the younger, practically throwing the bottle towards him. As for Jihoon who was still dazed, the bottle ended up on the floor next to him and made a loud noise. 

Soonyoung looked at him with wide eyes and Jihoon snapped back to reality. _"Ah. Shit. Sorry hyung."_ He softly muttered, picking up the bottle next to him. He rapidly opened it and gulped as how much his throat wants to drink. Yet the itch and lump in his throat was still there. 

 _"Alright. Back to the top— Jihoon?"_  Soonyoung immediately cut himself off when he looked at the other, small hands covering his mouth as his eyes started getting teary. Jihoon quickly rushed off the room and slipped past to the bathroom, not hesitating to throw everything up in the toilet bowl. And there he sees it again. Pink pale petals of roses that we're laughing at him.  _Great. Just great._ He mentally told himself before letting the last soft petal slid past his lips.  _Amazing._ Jihoon was confused, shock and angry. How could it come back? Why? 

He flushed the beautiful mess he created before he put his hands on his chest, feeling helpless. 

 _Was it really Kwon Soonyoung?_  

 

 

As if the world was really playing tricks on him, Soonyoung saw him and instantly shook the younger.  _"Paboya. Where did you go. You look pale, what happened?"_ And that's when Soonyoung's touch made another pleasant sting in his body.

 

 _Jihoon accepted his feelings for Kwon Soonyoung._  

 

**Tears ( 3 / 4 )**

  _Word count: 1961  
Warning: Pure Angst and a bit of SWEARING _

 

* * *

  
He can feel it. He can feel the warmth presence of someone under his touch. He can feel something wonderful that was currently holding his hand like it was the last thing to hold on to in this world. It seems a bit _hazy._ But Jihoon cared less. 

He just focused on the way the soft fingertips of the said person curled onto his small ones. Just like that, Jihoon felt _peaceful._    
Squinting would be an understatement as he tries to decipher who the owner of the said fingertips were. It seems sickeningly familiar to Jihoon. The warm palm, soft fingertips. _Did he really need to ask who it was?_  
  
And just like that, Jihoon was once again awaken by the cruel reality. His small figure practically curled onto his bed as he felt his throat went rougher than having sand inside. Jihoon should've noticed that the figure on the other bed was already gone, that should be the first thing he noticed. It wasn't however. What caught his attention were the petals of _faint pink rose._  
  
It was like a warning bell in his head that he quickly sat up in the most rapid way in his life. _'Did they get to see this? Damn.'_  
The answer would almost be obvious, it was no, of course. Why? Well firstly, Soonyoung who was supposed to be his roommate weren't even returning to his own shared bedroom with Jihoon. It would not be a surprise if Soonyoung would not sleep in their room anymore. Jihoon convinces himself, _It's fine._  
  
Jihoon was also not surprised at how much the petals increased quickly than the disease should do. Why? It's been 4 fucking days since he accepted this warm and weird feelings for Kwon Soonyoung. It was a torture, honestly. Jihoon would even find himself gaping for air in their practices when he see someone particularly invade Soonyoung's space. It's absurd, he knows. Jihoon actually thought of confessing to the other last night. It took him a span of 2 damn days to settle his feelings for the latter. It took him 2 days to think of what to say to the other and not end up looking like a fool. All those worth of 2 days were put into oblivion, to be honest. His confidence, his supposed to be speech as he was about to confess, all gone to waste.  
  
But Jihoon was never a person who is selfish enough to ruin a beautiful scenery. Yes, he was referring to Seokmin and Soonyoung. Last night, everyone was basically just playing around since the lack of fun times already took a toll on the other members' moods. The said pair received a lot of compliments on the group, like a small _'Hyung, you look good together.' or 'Just get together already.'_ But he wasn't as shocked when the other's didn't noticed that he was the only one who weren't playing along.   
  
How could he? It was supposed to be last night. It was supposed to be last night that he could decide what his fate was. If it was still possible if this lousy feelings would be reciprocated. If he would still go on other options so the disease won't rob him of his life. Yet, he pushed it al down the drain just because of seeing the two look so perfectly made for each other.   
  
Soonyoung didn't know how much Jihoon had to tell himself  _'Tomorrow, You need to tell him tomorrow.'_    
He didn't, however. If you were on his point of view, what would you do when you saw the person who makes your heart skip a beat cuddling with a person who you distinguished as a friend.  _Amazing, right?_  
  
Groggily, he lifted up his small figure on the bed with a soft yawn, picking up the bitter sight of the petals. He doesn't know what hurts more, the petals that would escape his delicate vocal chords, or the fact that his feelings would never be returned. He decided on the second one. 

 

 

* * *

Trip to the restroom would be more frequent for Jihoon. He's sick of it, honestly. He's sick of seeing himself kneeling helplessly on the tiled floor, his throat being choked by an invisible pair of pale hands that were probably by Soonyoung's courtesy. Waves and waves of petal would flow out of his delicate lips. It was now enormous. The amount of it was enough to make Jihoon feel light headed and helpless. He ended up leaning his head on the wall of the rest room. His body slumped perfectly onto the floor, as his other hand clutched tightly onto his chest where his beating heart was located. Feeling hopeless, feeling pity on himself.   
  
He always knew that he did treat the other differently than the others though. He definetely know that he had a small adoration towards the other. He wasn't expecting that it would worsen and would be the cause of him to fall helplessly in love. He can't blame himself really. Soonyoung's beautiful lifted eyes, his beautifully shaped nose, his cheeks that would turn into a faint rosy hue, his lips that would occasionally pucker. Soonyoung was irresistable.  
  
Jihoon was busy with the thoughts of Soonyoung on his mind that he almost dreams again. Almost dreams that he had the chance. He swore he still had the chance to be with the other. He swore he still wants to be stared at by Soonyoung with eyes that would tell him _'I love you.'_    
Ah, the joke's on the poor small boy. Still daydreaming despite the death that was slowly crawling upon him. It's not bad to dream right? It's not bad that even just once, he wants to imagine how it feels to spend your life with someone, and that particular someone is Kwon Soonyoung.  With a heavy feeling in his heart, Jihoon watched how the petals were flushed onto the drain as used the back of his hand to wipe his lips.   
  
Returning to the dance studio room was much harder than he thought it should. Jihoon would occasionally and accidentally go hazy for a second that he thought he's gonna faint then and there. Once he got a grip on the hold of the door, he gently pushed it. Not expecting what would happen. There, stood Seokmin. Eyes closed as Soonyoung delicately kissed the other's forehead.  _He damn knew it. He knew that there were something that was happening to them._  
  
Jihoon stood there, eyes widening as his heart clenched painfully, tighter than what he even imagined. Him, being the angel he is, looked away and was about to walk away and leave the said lovers on the room. It was there again. The lump in his throat, the heavy feeling in his  chest. _Oh well, he really needs to get used to this._  
  
"Jihoon." There comes the familiar sweet and deep voice of Kwon fucking Soonyoung.   
And Jihoon, being the humble and respectful younger he is, tilted his head a bit weakly upon seeing the pair broke apart. Seokmin walking pass through him as Soonyoung gestured for his best friend.   
  
_"Don't tell them, please."_  Soonyoung said, his voice was actually extremely close to pleading. Jihoon just nodded weakly as a response, tired of talking back. That's when Soonyoung noticed how pale the other was. Jihoon was almost similar to a corpse, honestly. His eyes were bombarded with black bags under the cutesy ones that everyone was used to. Jihoon's lips that would curl up easily was now straight, not even bothering to curl up. Jihoon was also extremely feverish looking.   
  
_"Hey. Are you really okay?"_  Soonyoung asked, making Jihoon look at him. _No, actually I'm dying. It's fun you know, feeling the pain and all that shit, Soon. It's fun, haha._ He wants to spat back to the other, but only a small  _"Yeah I'm fine."_  left the smaller's lips.  
It was that easy for Soonyoung to invade his personal space, Soonyoung was now practically close to him, literally. Jihoon can't help but wonder, would I also feel your soft lips in my forehead? Would it send shivers down my spine? Would I smile just like how Seokmin did when you did that? Just by think of it, Jihoon felt the urge to cough ran through him again.  
  
_"Don't lie to me. I can see you're not."_ Soonyoung said, his eyes piercing through Jihoon. Jihoon just covered his mouth with both of his hands before pushing past through Soonyoung, but to no avail, Soonyoung was _way_  stronger than him. With one hand grabbing delicately on his delicate wrist, he was pulled back. _"H-hyung, let go. Please."_ Jihoon's small voice was muffled in his other hand.  
  
The next thing he knew, Soonyoung rested his hand on the smaller's head and pulled him for a hug. Might as well Jihoon needed it, he thought. Jihoon struggled and squirmed as he doesn't want his secret to be revealed, not just yet.  _"Tell me. Tell me what's wrong."_  And just like that, Jihoon felt himself coughing violently, Soonyoung's body shaking from the intensity of the other's cough. Jihoon shut his eyes tightly as the soft as velvet petals of pink rose slip past his lips and onto the expanse of his hand before it fell onto the ground, soundless.   
  
Soonyoung expected to see spit or something like that when Jihoon coughed. He didn't expected petals to flow out of the other's lips. Not at all. He felt the smaller leaned onto his touch, practically weak. Soonyoung being shocked and confused was an understatement. _"What the fuck, Lee Jihoon?"_ Soonyoung didn't expected his voice to come out that harshly. Jihoon lets the tears in his eyes slowly fall and made trails onto his rosy cheeks.  _How amazing._ Jihoon tried pushing the other, but ended up making whimpering noises as the pain was too much for a person who has a fragile heart to do so.   
  
_"What the fuck do you think is happening, Kwon Soonyoung?"_ He said, much more vulnerably than he thought he should sound. Soonyoung was no fool, he knows very much of this disease.  _"Who?"_  Soonyoung asked him, making his voice a bit more gentle than harsh.  _"None of your business, really."_ Jihoon said, quickly retracting from the hug as he struggled to fight his blurry vision. Blurry from the tears. Blurry from the tears of painful and unrequited love.  _"Jihoon, I'm serious. I'm fucking serious. This disease is deadly-"_ Soonyoung retorted back but was cut off when Jihoon answered back.  _"I'm also fucking serious, hyung. Give me 3 days. Please. 3 days and I'll clear up everything on my mind. I'll settle this nicely."_  
  
Jihoon was not stupid enough to know himself. He would never give up his longing for the other. Even it means that it will rob him off his life. Soonyoung was everything to him. He just can't let this beautiful feelings get away of his hold just because it's unrequited.   
  
Soonyoung stood there, dumbfounded and looking helpless. Frown started tracing his feature. As if by chance, Jihoon got the courage to ask a simple thing.  _"H-hyung. C-can you please hug me?"_ He pleaded weakly, afraid to utter anything more than he's supposed to say.   
Soonyoung opened his arms wide for the smaller to fit in, Jihoon slowly leaned in and rested his head on the elder's chest. Slowly clutching the shirt of Soonyoung has he let more tears slip past his eyes. _He doesn't mind if he looks hopeless. Atleast he has a memory to always remember that Soonyoung hugged him, even if it means nothing to the other. Even if Jihoon thinks it's his everything. He decides not to mind it._  
 

 

 

* * *

Blood ( 4 / 4 )

_ Word count: 2376 _

_ Warning: Pure Angst, I warn you.  _

* * *

  
With slow drags of Jihoon's palm onto the mouse, it was the same old thing. Jihoon staying up late at night. Though, tonight was a different thing. It wasn't because he's been busy creating compositions for their next album. It was like a letter carved by his heart. He wasn't no fool. He knows pretty much that he doesn't give all of this up, what will probably happen is his life would be robbed off from him. Not that he minds it that much. Call him selfish, but he'd rather die loving a goofball named Kwon Soonyoung than to have an operation and all of this beautiful things that Kwon Soonyoung was able to make him do it, like writing songs that was partly ( or probably fully ) Soonyoung-inspired.   
He's being selfish. If he disappears, who would probably be the group's newest composer? Who would be the one taking the burden for he is too afraid to fail the other members? Jihoon would not risk it and let someone take it away from him though.  
  
As he tilts his head up to stare at the ceiling, maybe, _just maybe,_ Soonyoung would still be able to love him back right? There's no such thing as impossible, right? And at the irony of the situation, Jihoon suddenly felt himself sit straight as his chest burned on the inside, followed by violent coughing. Lucky enough for him, Jihoon was still sane enough to cover his mouth and rush toward the nearest restroom.   
And as if the fate is playing over Jihoon's delicate, and already-broken heart. On the way to his destination, Jihoon found a Seokmin and Soonyoung, hands connected or intertwned rather, smiling eagerly at each other.   
With all of his hopes and wishes, he wishes that neither of them would turn around and see the barely hidden petals on the pad of Jihoon's palm.  _Think quick, damn you._  He told himself, rushing towards the opposite direction.   
  
And once again, lucky enough for him to find a restroom, Jihoon lets his hand uncover the flow of petals from his lifeless, pale lips. Jihoon was now heaving, his chest tightening from the force of his coughing. It was so rough, and rather violent than ever. The biggest mistake that Jihoon ever committed was he assumed it was the same ol' thing. The lone pale pink petals of roses would still be floating onto the toilet bowl. But it wasn't. Not even close to.   
With completely widen eyes, Jihoon lets his hand press onto his chest as the pain stabs him again and again.   
_Fucking Beautiful._  Was what he first thought. There floats the same pale pink petals of roses, but today, it comes off with an additional touch for beautification. Crimson red liquid decorating the said petals. As if by reflexes, Jihoon lets his small index finger touch the bottom of his lip to find it particularly sticky and wet. _Great, fucking great. Now I'm bleeding. Literally._  
Jihoon lets out a bitter laugh. When would this ever end though? He badly wants all of this shit to end. First, it was the pale pink roses that symbolizes platonic love, now the crimson blood on the petal was the symbol of death and he can't even utter a proper sentence just by the thought of it. He lets his tongue poke outside his lips and that's when he tasted the bitter copper-like taste.  
  
Jihoon could only look down, his fingers tracing the branches of the said bloom inside his lungs that were soon to cut off his breathing supply. He wasn't even aware of his blurry eyes til now. He lets the tears flow onto his cheek as if to caress the pain away. To make everything numb from the intensity of it. _Was it even fair?_  It wasn't to him though. He was just loving, but why does he need to suffer like this?   
  
Jihoon retreated to his private studio that time, practically slumping himself on his swivel chair. Yet, he didn't felt this hopeless in his life. Having this disease, it was expected that he'd be hopeless, but he never feels extreme hopelessness like what he currently is feeling right now. Why is he still loving Soonyoung?  _He loves Seokmin, Jihoon. Get a grip, please._ He pleads to himself but it made him even more depressed.   
That's right, it was because Soonyoung haven't even said  _yes or no_ to his feelings, that's why Jihoon is still clinging to hope. He prevents himself to cry again though, tired of letting the salty tears caress his cheek as if to remind him  _He doesn't love you._  With the back of his hand, Jihoon quickly wiped the threatening flow of tears.   
  
_"Jihoon? Are you there?"_  Jihoon stirred just by hearing the voice and it was enough for his poor heart, for his poor abused and tortured heart to beat ever so loudly and fast.  _"Yeah, still alive."_ He joked, but jokes are half meant, no?   
Soonyoung walked closer, sitting behind the younger, as he reaches out the familiar pink locks of the younger. Stroking it gently as if to comfort the guy who's currently sporting a heavy dark bag under his eyes, lifeless features and Soonyoung was never scared in his life.   
_"It's time, Jihoon. You really need to get all those petals out."_  Soonyoung stated, dense about the fact that it was all him. All him that caused the other is trouble.  _"Fine, I'm going to get it out tomorrow."_ Lie, fucking lie.   
_"That's a good boy. I love you, Jihoon."_  Soonyoung stated, just way too simple to even believe at as a serious thing.  _"Really? You? love me?"_  Jihoon asked, twirling around to look at the elder.  _"Yeah, I do."_ Jihoon clinged onto hope that it could've meant something more than just best friends-   
_"Because you're the bestest friend I could ever ask for."_ Friend, a fucking friend. Jihoon sighed heavily, containing himself to break down in front of the other. _He loves you, but not the way you do, Jihoon._ He reminds himself before gently reaching out the elder's hand and tracing soft circles on it.  _"Hyung, how does first kisses feel like?"_  Jihoon asked, which made Soonyoung blush, his eyes widen at the sudden question. He just wants to know if the stories about it was true. If you'd feel a beautiful spark or what not.   
 

 _"It feels.. amazing."_ Soonyoung said dreamily, the corner of his lips turning upwards.  _"Seokmin?"_  Jihoon was doing it as a suicide, because why the fuck does he like hurting himself?  _"Yeah."_ And that was enough for Jihoon to feel the familiar heavy lump in his throat.  _"Why, do you have someone you want to do it with, Jihoonie?"_ Soonyoung asked, gently brushing off the bangs' on the younger's forehead. It took Jihoon a complete 2 minutes to comprehend what the other was saying for he was too busy feeling the soft fingertips of Soonyoung on his forehead.  _"Yeah, I do have someone I want to do it with."_ Jihoon honestly stated, his voice wavering a bit and Soonyoung was too dense to not notice the sudden aura of the younger.  _"But that someone already gave their first kiss to someone else, someone... special."_ Jihoon said, it was really ironic and fucking amusing. He was the one hurting himself, and how beautiful does it feel.  _"You'll get yours, eventually, kid. Just wait."_  Soonyoung said.  _"How many more time should I wait til I can feel it?"_  Jihoon bravely asked, dropping the slightest hint as his glassy eyes gaze onto Soonyoung's slit ones.  _"Soon enough, now sleep, and come with me to the dorm. We don't want that bags to become heavier or you'll look like a panda."_    
  
  
  
Jihoon was lucky enough to experience sleep though, for what seems like days, he finally had his peaceful sleep. The same dream that haunts him again and again. A person holding his hands. He never failed to notice that it was slightly bigger than him, just enough for his small hands to fit in like a puzzle. Like there was a sudden beautiful and cheerful background music on the two, they were only just them. Just the two of them. Jihoon closed his eyes, before opening it again and seeing the figure he's always yearn for.  _Soonyoung._ So it was Soonyoung all way long, how beautiful. If Jihoon can't even hold onto the painful reality, might as well his dreams could trick him that Soonyoung can still be his. Jihoon smiled genuinely, his dimples popping out of the corner of his lips, as he grips tighter onto the elder's hand.   
  
And just like that, Soonyoung's expression changed to disgust, and fear. Jihoon's eyes were completely wide as the familiar warmth on his hand were now gone, and he struggles to find it back.  _Soonyoung. Kwon Soonyoung._  
  
There, found with another figure, practically under the beautiful blossoms of Soonyoung's favorite tree. Cherry Blossoms. They were holding their hands as if making a vow to never separate. Soonyoung slowly leaned in until Seokmin was only an inch away from him. Upon seeing the two connect their lips, Jihoon can't help but feel his eyes damp from the scene.  _Fucking wonderful._

And just like that, Jihoon was awaken to the reality. His breathe was heavy, he was panting heavily. He lets his hand trail up to his chest as he heaves. He didn't stopped himself from clutching the particular spot as he let out mewls of pain. His hands quickly covering his whole face.  _It fucking hurts. It hurts, everywhere._ Jihoon said to himself, the salty bitter tears escaping on his eyes. Just like that, Jihoon felt himself coughing petals of pale pink roses,  _Platonic. Platonic Love._ His best friend, best bros for life. How pathetic. Jihoon eventually gives up, clutching onto the bedsheet as his abused throat was now spilling every crimson red liquid, his eyes going teary at the pain.   
  
_Soonyoung. I'm yours. I can't get back up. No matter how hard I try to move on from you, I just can't. So please, take me and take care of me. Please._  
  
  
  
After that particular morning, it wasn't a surprise when the youngest of Seventeen was heard screaming into the dorm. Everyone rushing up to see what kind of commotion happened again. Only, it wasn't a commotion. 

It was a peaceful corpse found on the bed of what once was identified as Lee Jihoon. The genius and amazing composer of Seventeen. Pale pink petals scattered onto his bed, some even forming in his hair, lying peacefully like a flower crown of death. His eyes slightly opened. It made everyone scream at him, to wake him up. It was all useless. Soonyoung arriving was the worst. He practically begged, and begged for the younger to utter anything. Though, he was forced to close the latter's eyes, so he can sleep peacefully. Soonyoung wasn't even hesitating to launch himself at the cold body of Jihoon. Pale and lifeless.  _"Jihoon. Wake the fuck up. This is not a good joke."_ Soonyoung whispered, tears falling onto his eyes and if only Jihoon was still there, he'd be sure he'll still be the one wiping those tears away. Soonyoung gently leaned down, kissing the soft and cold lips of Lee Jihoon. Expecting any response. But there wasn't any. _He didn't even had the chance to feel what first kiss feels like, and Soonyoung was a fool to give him what he yearns for when he was already dead, cold and is already a corpse. Soonyoung showering kisses and hugs at him that Jihoon was yearning for when he was still able to reciprocate all of it._ And by the last kiss, Soonyoung found the other's lip parted, which slowly and carefully, a beautiful bloom of a complete pale pink rose can be found, despite the copper tasting blood on his mouth.   
  
Jihoon loved and he loved til death, just like his promise. _Jihoon finally bloomed._    
  
  
  
Seventeen wasn't the same anymore, without Jihoon, they did not only lose a composer, but a brother, a friend and of course an angel. He was willing to sacrifice his happiness just for anyone, especially Soonyoungs. Without him, it wasn't the same anymore. Soonyoung then decided to visit what was once Jihoon's private studio.   
The said place smelled of pale pink roses, and it haunts Soonyoung. He wants to know who caused all this trouble to the younger though. He wants to know who was indirect murderer of Jihoon.   
Though when he opens the latter's desktop. There stood a file, a particular file named, 'Goodbye'.   
Soonyoung didn't hesitated to click twice and view it though, what greeted him was enough for Soonyoung's eyes to tear up on the spot.   
_"Kwon Soonyoung. Ya. Idiot. Hyung._  
        How's it going with Seokmin? Perfect? Well, I couldn't agree more. You know, in life there are people who pretend hyung. I'm also one of them. I'm one-hundred percent sure you won't be seeing this but screw it. You know, you're the one who caused this disease to me? It's not my fault you're perfectly imperfect. Beautiful and fucking nice. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Lee Jihoon fell for you. I'm sorry if I distanced my self from you. It was because, I never am fond of ruining other people's happiness for my own, no. I don't like that. Seeing you with him hurts me, but I've got no other choice but to smile and pretend that I'm happy for the both of you. Sure I maybe am, but I'm hurt hyung. I also want to experience how to be loved back. How to feel those soft kisses on your lips that they said would remind you of a beautiful tingling sensation. Hyung, I'd love to experience those. I love you so fucking much that it hurts. I sound so cheesy but yeah. This is the only way to tell you, hopefully. "  
  
Soonyoung could only grip his knuckles, not hearing anything but only the soft sound of the air conditioning system.   
_Jihoon. I love you, but not the way you want me to. I feel bad, I'm sorry._  
  
  
  
 

  
  
  
  
 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> It's finally done. I was listening to BLACKPINK's Stay so I became extra angsty and woops-


End file.
